Being me

I've spent years of my life trying to understand why my preferences were at times so different. Unlike other teenagers, I enjoyed darker music, from Carl Orff's Carmina Burana to The Cure or even Joy Division. I loved women who were wearing black, yet I enjoyed my pastel '80s outfit with my pistachio color trousers and my pink sweater. I loved dark winter afternoons, when the light outside dimmed and inside the class the teacher would continue explaining the lesson without turning the lights on. It was a mystagogy! I also loved sunny warm mornings when the class will be filled with sunlight so intense, you could see the dust particles floating around you. That was magical too. I loved it when in the evening, they'll take us to church and there I would find a cozy, dark seat and snuggle with my jacket. The light of the candles, the warmth of the carpeted church, the smell of incense and the hymns were just perfect. On the other hand, I also loved the morning excursions to the nearby park where we would walk around the trees and enjoy the sun. I used to listen to Oxygen but also Madonna and Michael Jackson who were great pop artists of that period. Even my high school years were spent half in the morning and half in the evening. One week I used to go at 8am until 2pm and one week at 2pm until 7pm. 

I believed that bullying was the factor that led to the darker self who prevailed at times. I wasn't very fond of it because it made me differ from all the other happy-go-lucky girls in the class. I wanted to be like them but these dark preferences kept me back. I don't think that I was aware of what was happening back then but I wanted to grow up and like whatever I wanted, watch whatever I wanted and buy whatever I wanted. I was dreaming of becoming a doctor, having my own apartment in the northern suburbs, driving a car and listening to dark music at night with a view of the road downstairs and the cars passing by. Winter was my favorite season. I loved our classic furniture with the deep dark colors, the velvet table cloth, the oriental carpet we used to have in the living room and the fire burning inside our gas heater. I felt safe there in the dark, with the lights closed and the warmth around me. It was like the little nook my grandmother used to prepare for me. A dark little tent with pillows inside and my toys. I used to spend hours inside my nest. Half of my world was dark. The other half was bright and colorful. I longed for the summer vacation, the deep blue sea and the flowers. 

For several years I felt like an outsider, like unstable for not having specific preferences all the time. I couldn't understand why I liked things that clashed, that were utterly different. Later on, I decided to just follow my dark path and this is how the double life started. My mother didn't know that all these years of studying or sleeping over at friends' houses weren't true and I use to dress up secretly and go to punk or goth clubs where other people like me danced in black clothes. But were they like me? 

At some point I stopped going to these clubs and I forced myself to change. I became social and I followed all trends around. Deep inside me though, I still loved the dark and cozy nooks and every morning I used to listen to classical music on my way to work. Years passed and darkness gloriously returned. Those were the crazy party nights in Dark Sun, Dada, Second Skin, Seven Sins and all underground clubs available. Unlike my friends there, I existed in other realms too. I had a normal life, I was dressing up like most people, wearing all colors available. I could eat at expensive restaurants and then go to the worst underground club at Omonoia square. I loved the duality but still it made me differ from other people. 

I'm forty eight years old and I realized that it's ok to be me and have clashing preferences. It's ok to love the sun and it's ok to love the moon. It's ok to love dark, classic furniture and it's ok to love modern, bright furniture too. It's ok to love dark music and it's ok to dance to Latin rhythms too. It's ok to love dark winter evenings or cloudy winter days and it's ok to love hot summer days and summer nights too. It's ok to be Yin and Yang together. It's ok to make sun art and moon art as well (as my dear husband mentioned about my art). I'm not different from other people. I'm like most people. I love dark, feminine perfumes and I also love bright unisex ones too. There's no reason to be either or / neither nor. You can be everything you want. You can wear any colors and clothes you you love. It's ok to be you. 

Right now, in the heart of winter, I wear dark, feminine clothes with hints of quiet luxury. I feel cozy in them. In a couple of months, these clothes will be packed and replaced by pinks and yellows, bright, easy pieces of clothing that will make me feel good looking like a sorbet. I love being me with my little dark nooks, my affinity for dimly-lit, art deco houses dressed in dark upholstery and my cold moon art. I know that in a few months all these will be gone and sunlight will warm my heart and fill my soul. It's ok to have a hibernating self who wakes up for the heat and sleeps during the cold. If I had enough money I would have two different houses, furnished accordingly. One would be a neoclassical house, furnished in art deco style with dark corners that would keep me safe for the winter months. The other one would be a bright apartment with light furniture, plants and big windows that will keep me cool during the hot summer months. That's me and I embrace every little peculiarity I might have. 

There is no fashion, no trends and no norms. We need to stop labeling people and trying to put them in little boxes that fit our standards. Maybe the girl next to you in the luxury fusion restaurant is just waiting until the underground club opens.